All you need for the quarantine crafts below are some common household items, a high tolerance for frustration and failure, and time. So…much…time.
The Carpet Killer
Cut out a cardboard star shape and cover it in glitter. Realize your kids forgot to put glue down first. Spend the next several days vacuuming sparkles out of your high pile carpeting while your work-from-home downstairs neighbor revenge-steals your Instacart deliveries.
The “Screw It, It’s a Lemon”
Fold a piece of construction paper in half. Cut out half a heart shape, then unfold. No, that looks like a demented lemon. Try again. Nope, still a lemon. Maybe if you round the top part more…ugh. Lemon. Hang your lemons on fishing wire in the hallway to remind you of that cancelled family trip to Argentina you still can’t seem to get a refund for.
The EYE MEAN IT
Glue two hearts to a toilet paper roll. Add pipe cleaner antennae and googly eyes. Now add more eyes. Even more eyes. Don’t stop until you run out of eyes. Display inside your bathroom to scare your family into using significantly less toilet paper.
At Least It’s Alcoholic
Pour melted chocolate into molds. Refrigerate for six hours. Try to keep your kids from touching it every three minutes to see if it’s hardened yet. Eventually give up and turn your semi-congealed chocolate blobs into vodka shots once the kids go to bed. Consume all the shots while trying to Zoom with your technologically-challenged mom.
World’s Greatest Teacher
Stack several colors of tissue paper and then fold them like an accordion. Pull out each color section to make a tissue paper flower. Make a whole bouquet, write a thoughtful note, and send them to yourself. You deserve it, for successfully memorizing your 2nd grader’s distance-learning curriculum and teaching it to them in between your work conference calls.
Place broken crayon pieces into molds and bake at 250 degrees until melted. Let sit until hardened. Stress-eat them all, even after you realize they contain neither chocolate nor vodka.
I Heart/Hate Crafting
Arrange four popsicles into a makeshift picture frame for a family portrait. Glue a bunch of those cheerfully-phrased candy hearts around the perimeter. Use less-cheerful phrases when you discover a colony of fire ants chowing down on the candy like a buffet of positivity.
Bill Nye Does Not Approve
Spend $70 and several hours mixing Borax, glue, and food coloring to create slime. Turn “slime-making” into a fun STEM activity for your children. In short order, slime will seep into every crevice of your home like sequined spackle. Regret all of your life choices that led to this moment.
A Fail For Posterity
Cover a votive candle with colorful crepe paper, ribbons, and confetti. Realize everything you decorated the candle with is flammable; stick it on a high shelf and forget about it until your children clean out your house decades later.
Wait, what? You want actual non-fail ways to keep kids busy while they’re stuck at home? Oh. Here you go.