Peculiar Okafor: At the End of the Day, We’re All Victims of Culture

The court docket not too long ago handed a verdict on the Busola Dakolo and Pastor Bidoun Fatoyinbo case and Im stunned one main difficulty isnt being mentioned; this statue barred stuff and the way it can hinder justice and potential amendments and alternate options. As anticipated, all that was talked about was victory/defeat for both of each events (lets be clear, there was no victory or defeat for any occasion as a result of the case wasnt heard). Nevertheless it acquired me pondering on one thing that has been at the again of my thoughts these days.

As I become old, I discover it troublesome to see issues in black and white; issues are extra in gray hues. Im a bit cautious to stay too tightly to a degree of view (besides sure values that I can not compromise). We are inclined to attempt to put labels on folks and make judgements primarily based on their actions, forgetting that tradition (which, in accordance with my Jss 2 Social Research instructor, is just a approach of life) determines lots of what we do irrespective of how a lot we wish to suppose we may be ourselves. Even that ‘be yourself’ pondering is the tradition of the millennials.

Lately, I see how tradition can generally abuse us. Let’s use marriage and relationships as a case examine since they’re the bedrock of society.

I grew up in a loving dwelling and for a very long time couldnt perceive or respect girls who endured infidelity or any type of abuse. The best approach for an aunty to lose my respect then was to speak about coping with your husbands infidelity prefer it was one thing to be proud of. The cussed teenager I used to be wouldn’t greet you anymore. I couldnt sympathize with individuals who handled stuff like that as a result of, in my head, they had been low self-esteemed folks. However two incidents have given me a rethink:

One, most of my pals are married. None of them have been married for greater than three years, however most of them have instances of infidelity with their husbands and have needed to look the different approach. No, their husbands didnt present indicators earlier than the marriage ceremony, they didnt marry for cash and they don’t in any approach have low vanity.

Ive spent the higher half of this yr praying for my pals marriages, declaring the phrase that their husbands might have eyes just for their wives (guess you’ll be able to say Im watching warfare room on their behalf).

I’ve additionally by no means suggested any of my pals to go away their spouses. Actually, I attempt to change the topic of dialogue instantly they speak about their husband’s infidelity. I do know my pals don’t need to depart their husbands as a result of they’ve, in a approach, constructed their lives round who they’re at present with. I additionally sense hidden feelings like worry and uncertainty once they discuss. Even in any case theif my husband cheats, Id depart, they discover out that they’ll’t simply go. So I simply change the subject to one thing pleased and pray the man adjustments or if he doesnt, doesnt carry an an infection dwelling.

Two. Two celebrities not too long ago turned 35, each have allegedly had work executed on their our bodies, each have been with males who publicly humiliated them regardless of warnings from folks. One acquired a divorce and the different stayed. The one who acquired a divorce was publicly ridiculed: “youll soon turn 40, na your handbag go be your children”. The one who stayed was referred to as an influence lady, a powerful lady like our moms who know the right way to hold their dwelling and shes being celebrated. Actually, she was not too long ago featured in an advert by a worldwide fortune 500 firm and the state of affairs lots of us woke folks condemned was the theme of the advert and that marketing campaign was extraordinarily profitable. My opinion on that is gray areas nothing is black or white.

Culture tells us to be assured and have a voice, however you see that your voice ehshould communicate the language youve been taught.

Culture tells us we may be ourselves, however after we go outdoors of the unwritten roles set for us, it comes again at us strongly.

Culture tells us we must always communicate up and attain out to a pal and after we do, we’re instructed to cover our challenges as a result of individuals are envying us.

Culture tells you to be your self – however no, not like that.

Culture additionally punishes us all…

The woman who retains silent in the face of sexual abuse, the man who marries her and offers with the after-effect of abuse with out understanding the place it comes from, and the kids who need to take care of each of them are being abused by tradition.

The person who by no means did what he actually needed to do for worry of not making sufficient cash from it and the kids who could also be compelled to take up his desires as a result of he desires to relive them vicariously via them are being abused.

The girl who marries a man she doesnt like as a result of shes nearly thirty (thank God, the age of desirability appears to have been pushed to 35) and so by no means experiences real love, the husband who will spend his days operating after a lady who can’t be bothered with him, and the kids from that union are being abused.

The feminine who spends her life listening to she has to decide on to both be spouse materials and homely, attractive and flirty, targeted and unbiased as a substitute of being instructed that every one these should not mutually unique and the world who by no means will get to see the totality of her being, are all being abused by tradition.

Ours is just not a tradition of silence, it’s a tradition of hypocrisy. A tradition the place a lady posts up footage of her and her husband at a trip when in actuality, its an Im sorry I cheated once more journey.

A tradition the place everyones mom and father are the finest in the world although abusive parenting could be very prevalent in our society. One during which maintaining appearances is the actual deal.

By tradition, I don’t confer with Nigeria alone, I confer with the world. The extra profitable and unbiased a lady turns into, the extra she acknowledges that these in the Victorian period acquired it proper. Theres much more to marital advantages than wealth. Beyonce dare not be yabbed cos she has a person; CardiB has a person or not less than effectively, a person sha. The insults on Nicky Minaj has lowered cos she has a person. Busola Dakolo acquired sympathy cos her husband stood by her; a single woman would have been referred to as a whore.

The identical for males. As they go up the social-economic ladder, it turns into about having a sure sort lady – both in seems intelligence, charisma, and so forth. An excellent mate is an adjunct. The proper end to a beautiful apparel.

I consider each era should resolve the issues that they face. Earlier than we speak about what our moms and dads didnt do proper, lets keep in mind that lots of them insisted on getting an schooling for each the woman and boy little one, fought polygamy and pushed up the marriage age of their time to between 18-21. It was youthful of their moms’ day. Lets keep in mind that they had been the ones who suggested us to empower ourselves, who instructed us we may earn cash and we must always uncover ourselves. I agree that after we comply with their recommendation and find yourself single at 27, they begin stressing us out, however I assume thats our personal problem – to show our kids that they dont have to decide on.

To alter tradition, we want not have a look at it with disdain however reasonably with understanding and empathy. I’d by no means look down on my pals with dishonest spouses as I hope they dont look down on me for being single. Altering tradition is about being real looking and sincere and it’s higher to not stick unrealistically to a degree of view.

A married lady, when requested about her selection to stay with an untrue husband, as soon as mentioned

I do know dishonest is unsuitable and never all males cheat, however sadly, my husband cheats and I’ve chosen to remain. Dishonest isnt proper and I don’t begrudge anybody who chooses to finish a wedding on such grounds, however I simply cant discover the power to go away.

That honesty releases her from judging others and proving her level to at least one of acceptance, that approach her kids can know that they’ll make higher life decisions. The choice, which is to mislead herself that every one males cheat, berate the different girls who dont know of her existence and fake that every one single girls are sad, places her in a poisonous, defensive scenario. The identical goes for the lady who chooses to go away an untrue partner. Saying I simply cant appear to stay with my husband anymore, I dont know what the future holds and whereas Im afraid, I simply need to depart additionally frees her.

An single or divorced lady who feels lonely ought to come clean with it and the one who feels extraordinarily pleased being single also needs to come clean with it and flaunt it although we stay in a world the place folks will swear youre pretending.

If we have a look at the fall of man at the Backyard of Eden, three main issues occurred that introduced the tradition of disgrace and hypocrisy:

  • They allowed somebody query who they had been and Gods love for them. The serpent instructed the lady, people could be like God in the event that they ate the fruit although they had been already like God and had entry to all the knowledge in the world as a result of they communed with God day by day.
  • They hid from those that may assist them. Adam heard the voice of God and hid. Simply think about if he had mentioned “Lord, I’m bare oh, I ate the fruit and my spouse and I are bare. Please assist us”.
  • They blamed others and didnt settle for duty. The query from God to Adam was simple “have you ever eaten of the fruit which I commanded you to eat?” The reply was a Sure or No however as a substitute, our fore-parents turned it right into a blame sport. What if Adam had merely mentioned, Sure lord and I’m sorry, please assist us. Bear in mind the Lamb of God was slain from the basis of the world.

However the final two issues are a product of the first; they allowed conditions query who they had been and so started to put blame and search validation.

To alter tradition, we have to be genuine and sincere with ourselves, having empathy and compassion for each other. Scream after we should and present a quiet, loving instance the place vital. However all these should come from a spot of love and empathy.

As I mentioned, I’m nonetheless studying (although my pals insist Im going via a quarter-life disaster) however its not black and white for me. Its an entire lot of gray. As of late, I dont even know if I need to change the world, I simply need to survive Lagos site visitors as a result of the current site visitors is gaju.

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